Hello everyone. I haven't written at all since Joel came back. To be honest, its because I don't know what to write. It's been so up and down and I don't want to write that everything is perfect but I don't want to post anything overly negative. I love Joel, but I'm finding it very difficult to live with him and I feel like I'm under constant scrutiny.

Sometime he can be very loving and considerate, like making me food, etc.. But he is often really really inconsiderate and rude. He probably the messiest person I know- I don't even want to tell you the things I've found on the floor, and if I tell him about a rule or ask him to do something, its like talking to a child. For example: "Do not eat in the bed" seems to be the hardest rule for him to understand. And today, he was playing GTA and Meredith was coming over so we could watch the new Supernatural before she went to work and asking him to stop playing GTA for 45 minutes was just about the worst thing I could ask him evidently.

Just now, (the reason I decided to post) we were making tempura. I normally never ever try to do any cooking related activities around him because he's very discouraging and is very vocal about how horrible a cook I am. I want to try so I dip in a little eggplant and its very gooey and I was laughing because it was clearly a disaster. He just said: "What a waste! Look at all the batter on your hands! Do you TRY to not do things right!?" He was completely serious too. I just didn't know what to say so I came into my room to write a good old post. (Writing it down makes it feel so much better.)

What bothers me the most is that even though he's completely sweet most of the time, the times that he's an ass and I call my mom to talk about it, she constantly thinks that either a) I'm being too dramatic or b) shouldn't expect him to be considerate, clean, etc because "straight guys don't understand why the dishes have to be washed and the shower scrubbed, when a perfectly good TV show is on or he's playing in excellent game of whatever" ... she goes on to talk about my dad saying "there's certain things he does do, so he does those, and I pick up the slack. In all honesty, we were suppose to be 50/50 with household chores, but the truth is is I do at least 75...maybe 90% of the chores."

I hate that anyone just accepts this sexist (toward both men and women) perspective. Partners are partners. It doesn't matter what their sex/gender is- if they are partners they are considerate, kind and don't expect the other person to pick up the slack. I've made it clear that as soon as he gets a job he has to start looking for his own apartment. I want to be with him, but I can't live with him. I refuse to clean up after him and argue about things like when I get to use my own goddamned tv and hear how horrible I am at cooking.

Phew, I feel better. I'm very grateful that he's here and I'm very happy he came back, but I just want us to be equal- I don't want to fight with him and argue constantly.

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